A hard lesson in love

“I am strong,” Rihanna told Diane Sawyer during  an interview in late 2009. “I am, and it happened to me.”

The pop singer was discussing the notorious incident in which her now ex-boyfriend singer Chris Brown attacked her.

“Even if Chris never hit me again, the young girls out there who look up to me might not be so lucky,” she said.

Studies show one in four women will be victims of domestic violence sometime in their lives.

Diane Sawyer stated during that interview that on average, a women is abused seven times before she leaves an abusive relationship. Rihanna response: “eight or nine actually.”

Hard to believe?

Meet former N.C. Central University student Chelsea (she has asked that her last name not be used). She is 22 years old and stands just five feet two. When she was 16, Chelsea got involved with a man 10 years her senior.

Like Rihanna, she thought she would never let a man hit her.

What she did not expect was that the person who claimed to love her more than his very life would hurt her “beyond repair.”

Chelsea's experience is hardly unique. According to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence, college females ages 20-24 are at the greatest risk of domestic violence. Abuse comes in various forms and does not necessarily mean just physical abuse. Domestic violence is an umbrella term for all the abuses that women can experience.

“Our relationship started off as any other — late night phone calls, presents just because — all of the sweet romantic stuff,” Chelsea said.

“That lasted through the duration of high school.”

When she entered NCCU in 2005, Chelsea noticed changes in her boyfriend’s behavior.

“The sweet loving gestures came to an end, and this new angry person began to appear,” Chelsea said.

“He began to show up on campus more and more — and always unexpected. It was almost as if he expected to find me cheating on him with another guy.”

The more deeply Chelsea fell in love with her boyfriend, the more he demanded from her, and the more he had to be the center of her life.

“The visits quickly turned into me going back to his apartment with him every night,” she said.

“If I tried to refuse, he would get so mad and start saying things like, the only reason I wanted to stay on campus was to see my other boyfriend or that I didn’t love him anymore. I would of course go with him to set his mind at ease.”

Soon, it became clear I couldn’t talk to anyone he didn’t approve of.

“My phone rang one day, and it was a guy friend from childhood. My boyfriend became so enraged that he broke my phone.

“That should have been my sign, telling me that this was not a good relationship to be in. But instead, I promised him I would do better and told my friend not to call me anymore.”

Chelsea said the next thing to go was her family. She said her boyfriend systematically isolated her so that she would be solely dependent upon him.

“My mother really disapproved of him, so that quickly  became an issue,” she said.

“In turn, I saw her less and less. That didn’t bother him at all. He was trying to convince me that my mother was trying to rule my life and that I was old enough to make my own decisions.”

When they began living together, Chelsea thought things might improve, but her boyfriend always put her down.

“I would clean the house, but it wasn’t the way his ex-girlfriend did it,” she said.

“I would cook but, it wasn’t the way his ex-girlfriend would do it. Everything I did — even my very existence  — was a problem for him.”

Mentally pummeled and nearly completely broken down, Chelsea’s dream of becoming a psychologist was all but gone. She said she flunked out of her classes because she let her boyfriend control her life.

Then, he dropped a bombshell. After dropping out of school, I found out he had gotten a girl pregnant.

“I couldn’t control my rage,” she said.

“I began screaming and yelling. I pulled a knife on him. I was just so hurt and heartbroken. I had let him take everything away from me. I gave him everything, and it meant nothing to him.”

Then, for the first time there was physical violence.

According to Chelsea, he picked her up by the throat,  threw her against the walls and into the bathroom where he choked her.

“Those were not the hands that used to hold me and care for me. Those were the hands of a stranger on the body of the man I loved ,who supposedly loved me.

“I don’t know what made him stop, but he did. He got up and walked away.”

It was at that moment that Chelsea realized that her boyfriend had control over her life. She had lost everything, given everything to him, and it didn’t matter to him.

“I was in an abusive relationship. That thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried to think and remember when my relationship took a turn for the worse, but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened. The changes were so small. The smallest of things changed over a large span of time, turning the man of my dreams into my nightmare.”

Like Rihanna, Chelsea finally got out of the abusive relationship. She has now moved on with her life.

Her story is a common one. It’s a story in which love keeps you in a toxic relationship.

It’s a story she chose to share because “domestic violence is never OK,” she said.

“It isn’t just hitting. Physical violence comes at the end. Mental abuse is the beginning. Even after the physical scars fade, the emotional ones can last a lifetime.”